The Window of Tolerance
When we are living in a state of chronic stress, we may begin to push past our window of tolerance.
The ‘window of tolerance’ is a term that was developed by psychiatry professor and author Dr Dan Siegel. It describes the optimal zone of stimulation or ‘arousal’ that individuals should function within to stay grounded, learn effectively, and have healthy relationships with self and others.
We can move beyond our window of tolerance when we feel unable to say no, are not taking time to stop and rest, or if our skills to notice what our body needs in the moment aren’t well developed. This can lead to a roller coaster of highs and lows: exhaustion, followed by pushing through, followed by more exhaustion. This is where we might see coffee, alcohol, high-carb and high-sugar foods, or risky behaviours increasing, giving us big hits of feel-good hormones that keep us going through the flatness.
What Happens When You Function Outside Your Window of Tolerance?
These coping strategies might feel good in the moment, but only mask our body’s signals for rest. Two common eventualities here are burn out or increasing these superficial supports (hello midnight packets of biscuits, excessive drinking, and 6 cups of coffee just to cope!).
Many of us don’t even think we’re functioning outside of our window of tolerance, because it’s so normalized in our society to always be exhausted, stressed, to need coffee to get going, and to need alcohol to wind down. It’s seen as a badge of honour to work long hours and to not have time for hobbies, self-care, and relaxation.
Moving Into Your Window of Tolerance
This means that moving into our window of tolerance often only happens when we have big things that shake up our lives; like illness, job loss, grief, a time of transition which demands our attention (like moving house, or receiving a diagnosis), or when the pain and distress becomes intolerable. We realise we can’t actually override our need for rest anymore.
When you finally stop, there is often an increase in whatever symptoms you’ve been experiencing as the body starts to register that you have created space for it. Your body notices the decrease in stress, and starts to turn on the rest and recovery processes it had put on hold while you were in survival mode.
When we start functioning within our limits after being in a false window of tolerance for a long time, it can be really difficult. We can start to feel things that we’ve been trying to avoid. We might be able to feel our physical limits, like injuries, aches, and pains more acutely. We might be able to feel emotions more acutely, and begin to process and release long-held feelings.
Maybe that relationship that ended five years ago, or the jealousy when your colleague beat you for a promotion. There are so many examples like this, where we are unconsciously feeling physical and emotional pain in our day-to-day lives but our brain prioritizes tasks, productivity and distraction over addressing the feelings arising. Part of this is because we don’t actually know how – no one taught us the skills of how to consciously respond to our emotions.
How to Consciously Respond to Emotions
Luckily for us, there is an antidote to this, which is threefold.
Pause: Pause more and become curious about what is happening in your life at the moment. How are you, really? Are you exhausted? Are you sore? Are you lonely? What are the themes of your thoughts?
Check In: Create a list about where you’re over-stretching yourself, overcommitting, lacking support, or not asking for help? What are some practical ways you could reduce your load and bring in support?
Mindfulness: Build your skills in mindfulness. This is not about meditating on a hilltop. This is about being able to be mindfully present and notice when you’re having thoughts, feelings, and other body signals. When you can actually notice how you’re feeling and not have it jump straight to a thought (or, let’s be honest, an hour of stress-ruminating), and then a behavior, that is where you can actually experience change. It provides an opportunity to have the emotion arise and just stay with it. This is a key part of staying within our window of tolerance that is missing for many of us – having our emotions heard and fully experienced in our body.
So where are you outside your window of tolerance right now? How can you bring in some pauses in your day to start to feel your body, feel your emotions, and meet its needs to move out of chronic stress and into a more peaceful way of being?
For more support, reach out to Woven Holistic Counselling today.
